oh boy. here comes a shit storm. i just need to get my thoughts out because it feels like there are so many that i can’t have one coherent thought. so this post won’t be pretty.
so its 3.5 months into having two kids. how is it going? hmmm. it is hard. really hard.
i am loving the baby (biggie smalls) this time around, ah so easy, nice snuggles, googoo’s and gaga’s, smiles and laughs, etc. it is great. and biggie is soo great, just a wonderful little baby. what is not so great is…
1. having only one body to take care of two children with such opposing needs,
2. dealing with a 3 year old (the todd). period.,
3. feeling REALLY angry with the todd ALL THE TIME,
4. getting little sleep,
5. having no time to myself,
6. missing my husband,
7. feeling totally scattered – no plans, no routines, just surviving,
Biggie smalls is so much easier for me to deal with than the todd. so i mostly get angry and frustrated with the todd for making my life hard. fair? no. understandable? yes. everything the todd wants is in direct contradiction to what i want and what biggie needs. it is a constant battle.
the todd is BUSY. never sits still, rarely sticks with a thing for more than 5 minutes and ALWAYS wants me to play with him. the sentence, “mama, plaaaaaay with me,” gets uttered non stop and grates at my nerves like no other. it incenses a desire to poke my ear drums with chop sticks.
i want to want to play with him, but the truth is, i don’t. i hate playing games. but when there was only the todd and i was sleeping, i had the energy to pretend to like it and do it. these days i can do it but often find myself muttering obscenities to myself and being fully annoyed while playing and then thanking my precious stars when biggie needs to sleep or feed and i have an excuse to stop.
but then comes the hitting, whacking, kicking, squishing, scratching from the todd…the violence is directed at me and at biggie, and daddy when he is around. sometimes i need to physically restrain him. and sometimes i feel like i want to punch and kick and hit him back. I AM SO ANGRY!
writing all this “outloud” makes me feel like i sound like an evil mother. its selfish stuff. it sounds like i am unfit to be a parent. why did i have kids if i hate playing? why am i choosing to stay at home with my kids if i don’t want to do the things a kid needs to do?
i know i don’t need to be perfect, in fact perfection doesn’t exist when it comes to parenting because we parents are humans. but i deeply desire to experience something more than just barely surviving. whatever i am doing now is not working. when things are good it feels like an accident. i don’t want to be so angry and i don’t want to be in constant battle and restraining myself from whacking my child. that is all i got for now…solutions to come…i hope.